The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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