im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
