Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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