dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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