I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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