Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
