I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well I just put wine in my tea
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
