Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
