it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
