Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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