His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
