Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Houston, we have a blender
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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