I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
