i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
