And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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