Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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