I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
