i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
