You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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