He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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