It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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