Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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