I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
