I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
