I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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