I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i think i have two assholes
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
