Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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