yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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