i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
