I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
