Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
