From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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