And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
