Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have feelings that need drinking.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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