WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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