he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
