By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
