dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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