After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
