My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
