Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
