got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The power of my boobs compel you
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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