My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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