The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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