Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
