my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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