Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Say something about gay babies.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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