im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
