Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
