I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
