i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
