I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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