I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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