So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
