Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
