don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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