Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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