ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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