Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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