Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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